Journal Summary: July 1 - July 7

July 1 - This was a long one! R had asked me to start thinking about what I meant when I said I wanted to give up control. When I first read what he wrote, it scared the shit out of me.

1. I would like you to tell me what control means to you?

2. You have indicated that you have given me full control do you wish to control when this control is used?

3. I need to know your hard control limits what to you is meddling too much or aspects that you do not wish me to control in your life?

The questions that I have put above may seem short, but they are going to be challenging questions to answer. I need the answer to these questions in order to assist us in moving forward. For things you are unsure of take the best stab you can at it I want to see honest effort on it.

To me total control can mean just that I may not control how you think but think on this for others it can and does often include things such as rest room break, when one can watch T.V, Use the computer and so on.

This is why I would like an idea of your expectations so that we are both happy with the results. I can and will take as much control as you give me. I have no issues dictating what you eat and when you do things or stepping back and let you run most things and take the bits that you wish me to control. We just need to establish what is what.

Then I took the time to actually think about it. Usually when I do that, when I have time, I calm down and realize that everything will be ok. I am mostly ok now.
I have not fully thought out the questions yet, but, I did want to write some thoughts on it.
I have come to the realization that I need to trust him more. I dislike how little trust I give him when it comes to putting my wellbeing into his hands. He will always have my best interest at heart. I know that it will always be for me to grow, or learn, or just to be.
I know that there are two areas that I will not give up control

1. Work - It just isn't possible and I know (I hope lol) that he knows that
2. School - I have no problem with him helping me decide how many courses to take, to talk out expectancies, BUT he is not to tell me when or how to do my homework. I need my concentration for that.

I also have issues with having to ask to go to the washroom. Probably stems from back in kindergarten when I peed my pants because the teacher wouldn't let me go.
I will continue to think about this, but I just wanted to get some of this out there.

July 2 - I felt an emotion that had been dormant in me for a long time. Jealousy. Not of R talking with others.
I am jealous of others experiences. I look at pictures and read stories and I hate it. I want more but I am scared.
I hate that R can give so much to others but doesn't with me.
I feel like I don't fit in. I am scared to go to the Munch on the 12th.
I feel lost and lonely.

July 3 - I got to see Momma J and Baby J today, as Daddy J was going in to get snipped. No more babies for them!
So I didn't get much work done in the morning. I worked my ass off in the PM. R left work early and I snuck out a bit early to go home with him. We ended up going to get Chinese for supper (YUM!).
We went to be at lik 730/800!

July 4 - We vegged this morning.
I had a freak out/breakdown. I am fat. I am having issues with clothing.
R was good and helped me feel better (eventually). I need to stop putting myself down. I am as pretty as I make myself.
We also went to the Ren Faire. It was BAD. It was so small. I need to find a different one to attend.

July 5 - A very good day. We got some play in. My ass was nice and sore (well, at the time....it didn't last very long). It was very good and I really enjoyed it.
I felt really productive as well. I got a fair bit done around the place and well, when I say a fair bit, basically I got off my ass and did something! lol
I just feel better today. I felted wanted and needed. I was able to serve R, even if it was just intercourse. I felt sexier (see: feeling wanted). I am sure that the orgasm helped.
It sucked that R had to go into work, as we could have had more fun!

July 6 - Busy day. I got a fair bit done, even though I am not going to get everything I wanted to get done over the summer done. R had a crappy stressful day at work. I didn't realize how much it was bothering him.
I decided to surprise him with a massage when he got home. It wasn't very long, but I think he enjoyed it. After, we got it on! lol But he does owe me ;)
I made yummy grilled cheese sandwiches for supper!

July 7 - And another busy day. I have discovered that I am not focused in the morning. I am much more productive in the afternoon. R and I have decided that we liked having sex everyday while we were on vacation.
... And then when we got home we were too tired! ROFL
Finally...I really miss my family. I miss seeing dad. I'm sick of always having to invite myself over. But I guess that is the only way we will see them, as they don't seem to be inviting us.