July 15 - R and I had a really good talk last night, and I really think it was beneficial. I really enjoy structured days. I get much more done, and I feel good doing it. I know it pleases R when I do the list, and it pleases me to please him :D We also talked about what R wants from me ultimately. I love his idea for me. I am not sure how well I can make it work, but I will try. We went and saw HP because I was a good girl! I loved it, sooo good!! I can't wait for the last book :D
July 16 - Happy Birthday to me!! The day didn't go exactly as planned. We had a small/short play session. R gave me my bday spankings. He scared me at one point, and it freaked me out. We talked about it and sorted it out. I can't wait to do it again. I didn't realize that knife play would excite me.
July 17 - What a day. J and I talked. It was good. I explained why I was upset and I think we are good again. J and I decided to put on a show for each other/our Doms. I am excited and scared at the same time. I finally got to talk to Ray.
July 18 - R and I slept HORRIBLY last night. And I discovered that it is official. I can't handle the lack of consideration some people have. Oh, and we have decided to have a 3some...now to find our 3rd :D lol
July 19 - Veg day. It was a good day of cuddling. We had a good walk (but my hip hurt). We talked about our love and our relationship. How deliriously happy we still make each other.
July 20 - I love how our relationship is changing. We are becoming more, evolving, learning, growing. I am excited to see where we are going to go with this. How far we can take this. I love that I am growing, that I am becoming me. It makes me think about my job. About being a supervisor. I know I can do it, but should I be? I am forcing it. Is this why I feel like I have so many problems? I want something different. I don't like where it is taking me.
July 21 - I am starting to feel anxious over the start of the new school year. I need to talk to Janet, but I don't think she will/can do anything. I might start looking for something elsewhere. R and I have been more frisky lately, it has been fun, but I really need my hip/groin to feel better.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Journal Summary: July 8 - 14
July 8 - My nephews and SIL are coming down to visit. I am going to have to find some anti-nausea pills. I am frustrated with myself, as I have become increasingly lazy. And I am sick of making supper and doing dishes.
July 9 - R did some cleaning in the living room! :D Today was an emotional day. I got a brilliant idea to go to Sask. I was determined to find us a way out there. I got so excited. Then I got really disappointed when I realized that it wasn't possible. I think today would have been a good day for a spanking. It would have been nice to see if it would help me focus.
July 10 - I need to get my butt into gear at work. We had a mini-pot luck at work. It went ok. Dot was annoying, while R and I tried to nap. I got frustrated because she wouldn't leave me alone and R could sleep through it.
July 11 - I slept on the couch. I just needed away from R. I was just irritated. Dash got sick on the windowsill overnight. Apparently ants like cat puke. They crawled through the crack in the window, and swarmed the ledge. I got the hebbies just looking at it. We did get some play in. I had a very nice spanking. It was so good infact that it put me to sleep! I want to do some research on that, maybe ask some questions on Fet.
July 12 - We woke up early, then had some awesome sex, and we both promptly fell asleep again! We worked on some anal which was nice. until I shoved back and caused myself some major pain! Busy week at work, as two coworkers lost family members. We are going to our first Munch tomorrow!
July 13 - Short staffed at work. It's totally justified, but it does suck. I had a headach for most of today. We went to our first Munch today. I was a bit nervous, but everyone was super friendly! It's kinda cool to see so many like minded people. They are all really geeky, which was awesome! The only problem was that I felt like crap. I feel really bad that I made R leave early. I was excited to meet new people. I had actually expressed interest to meet a few people, but I only got to see one! BUT didn't get a change to talk! The Munch did hit home how inexperienced I am! :(
July 14 - I am feeling conflicted. I don't know who I am. What I am supposed to be. R and I finally talked some stuff out tonight. We have decided:
July 9 - R did some cleaning in the living room! :D Today was an emotional day. I got a brilliant idea to go to Sask. I was determined to find us a way out there. I got so excited. Then I got really disappointed when I realized that it wasn't possible. I think today would have been a good day for a spanking. It would have been nice to see if it would help me focus.
July 10 - I need to get my butt into gear at work. We had a mini-pot luck at work. It went ok. Dot was annoying, while R and I tried to nap. I got frustrated because she wouldn't leave me alone and R could sleep through it.
July 11 - I slept on the couch. I just needed away from R. I was just irritated. Dash got sick on the windowsill overnight. Apparently ants like cat puke. They crawled through the crack in the window, and swarmed the ledge. I got the hebbies just looking at it. We did get some play in. I had a very nice spanking. It was so good infact that it put me to sleep! I want to do some research on that, maybe ask some questions on Fet.
July 12 - We woke up early, then had some awesome sex, and we both promptly fell asleep again! We worked on some anal which was nice. until I shoved back and caused myself some major pain! Busy week at work, as two coworkers lost family members. We are going to our first Munch tomorrow!
July 13 - Short staffed at work. It's totally justified, but it does suck. I had a headach for most of today. We went to our first Munch today. I was a bit nervous, but everyone was super friendly! It's kinda cool to see so many like minded people. They are all really geeky, which was awesome! The only problem was that I felt like crap. I feel really bad that I made R leave early. I was excited to meet new people. I had actually expressed interest to meet a few people, but I only got to see one! BUT didn't get a change to talk! The Munch did hit home how inexperienced I am! :(
July 14 - I am feeling conflicted. I don't know who I am. What I am supposed to be. R and I finally talked some stuff out tonight. We have decided:
- We will keep moving forward with this. We will not give up.
- We are going to communicate better.
- We will both work on the lazyness.
- I want to figure out what Submission means to me.
- I would like clarification on meal planning.
- I am to keep my nails painted.
- We will slowly work on *converting* our life.
- If I feel conflicted, or if i think something is wrong, I will communicate with R.
- I will work on not questioning orders
- R will work on explaining certain things so that I understand better. Remember it is hard to turn off my intelligence! :D
- We learnt that I learn by seeing/visualizing not by hearing.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Online name change
R and I have decided to change my online name.
I won't post what it used to be, as it is something I use in my vanilla life.
Now that we are moving forward with these changes, we needed something different. We needed something that better reflects what we are.
I used BabyDoll on here, but it wasn't what I was using on other sites.
I will now be using Fair_Nixie, although Nixie is fine.
It is something that won't bother either of us, if it ends up being used in our Vanilla world.
It means Water Sprite in German lore. It is actually also a character in D&D.
I like it, and I think it could be an interesting tattoo.
I won't post what it used to be, as it is something I use in my vanilla life.
Now that we are moving forward with these changes, we needed something different. We needed something that better reflects what we are.
I used BabyDoll on here, but it wasn't what I was using on other sites.
I will now be using Fair_Nixie, although Nixie is fine.
It is something that won't bother either of us, if it ends up being used in our Vanilla world.
It means Water Sprite in German lore. It is actually also a character in D&D.
I like it, and I think it could be an interesting tattoo.
Virtual while sitting beside each other....
So, R and I were sitting beside each other on the couch, surfing the net when this started in IM....
**************************************************************************************
Real: Sure I can reach up and slowly untie my tie grabbing your hands and forcing them behind your back. I use the tie to secure your hands.
Real: Bending you over my hardwood desk.
BabyDoll: i struggle in vain...."mm please"
Real: My hand comes down on your ass landing a hard blow. My voice comes out harsh. "Stop struggling you know you want it!"
BabyDoll: *squee*
BabyDoll: "but it's so much more fun when I struggle" I turn my head and wink at you
Real: "Very true Pet" I reach around undoing the button and zipper to your jeans plunging my hands in to feel you.
BabyDoll: I try to buck you off, try to keep your hand from the sweet spot
Real: I use one hand to put wait on your back and the other hand tries to force the jeans down.
BabyDoll: I spread my legs...trying to impede you...moaning as my hard nipples, my breasts, press into the desk
Real: The hand on your back moves up and wraps itself in your hair jerking you back up off the desk and forcing you up against me.
Real: My other hand reaches into your top and clamps down on your left breast.
BabyDoll: I grunt against you, with the force of my head being pulled back, it turns into a wimper as I feel your hard cock nestled into my ass
Real: The hand caressing your breast moves up to wrap around your neck holding you steady as my teeth sink into your collar.
BabyDoll: My body freezes. I go limp. My brain shutting off. You know what your hand on my neck does. I moan as your teeth sink into my collar. My eyes close, and I become yours
Real: As you go limp in my arms I use the responce to get your pants down to your ankles remove my hand and rain kisses down on the side of your neck.
BabyDoll: I bend my neck, allowing you more room. I try to remove my top, wanting to be caressed, want your hands on my skin
Real: I reach up to help in undoing the buttons to help bear your breasts to the open air. admiring from over your shoulder how your hard nipples jut out.
BabyDoll: "Please" I beg, "touch me, I need your hands on me!'
Real: My hands glide down your side move inwards to your stomach then back up to cup your breasts my mouth still kissing and nibbling at your neck.
BabyDoll: I push my ass against you.Showing you how much I want and need you.
BabyDoll: I try and bend
BabyDoll: wanting to rest against the desk
Real: I push you back down onto the desk so that your breasts are resting against the unforgiving wooden surface your nipple brush against the wood bringing a low moan from you.. I force your legs apart with my feet and reach a hand between your legs lightly rubbing your thighs not quite making contact with your sweet spot.
**************************************************************************************
Real: Sure I can reach up and slowly untie my tie grabbing your hands and forcing them behind your back. I use the tie to secure your hands.
Real: Bending you over my hardwood desk.
BabyDoll: i struggle in vain...."mm please"
Real: My hand comes down on your ass landing a hard blow. My voice comes out harsh. "Stop struggling you know you want it!"
BabyDoll: *squee*
BabyDoll: "but it's so much more fun when I struggle" I turn my head and wink at you
Real: "Very true Pet" I reach around undoing the button and zipper to your jeans plunging my hands in to feel you.
BabyDoll: I try to buck you off, try to keep your hand from the sweet spot
Real: I use one hand to put wait on your back and the other hand tries to force the jeans down.
BabyDoll: I spread my legs...trying to impede you...moaning as my hard nipples, my breasts, press into the desk
Real: The hand on your back moves up and wraps itself in your hair jerking you back up off the desk and forcing you up against me.
Real: My other hand reaches into your top and clamps down on your left breast.
BabyDoll: I grunt against you, with the force of my head being pulled back, it turns into a wimper as I feel your hard cock nestled into my ass
Real: The hand caressing your breast moves up to wrap around your neck holding you steady as my teeth sink into your collar.
BabyDoll: My body freezes. I go limp. My brain shutting off. You know what your hand on my neck does. I moan as your teeth sink into my collar. My eyes close, and I become yours
Real: As you go limp in my arms I use the responce to get your pants down to your ankles remove my hand and rain kisses down on the side of your neck.
BabyDoll: I bend my neck, allowing you more room. I try to remove my top, wanting to be caressed, want your hands on my skin
Real: I reach up to help in undoing the buttons to help bear your breasts to the open air. admiring from over your shoulder how your hard nipples jut out.
BabyDoll: "Please" I beg, "touch me, I need your hands on me!'
Real: My hands glide down your side move inwards to your stomach then back up to cup your breasts my mouth still kissing and nibbling at your neck.
BabyDoll: I push my ass against you.Showing you how much I want and need you.
BabyDoll: I try and bend
BabyDoll: wanting to rest against the desk
Real: I push you back down onto the desk so that your breasts are resting against the unforgiving wooden surface your nipple brush against the wood bringing a low moan from you.. I force your legs apart with my feet and reach a hand between your legs lightly rubbing your thighs not quite making contact with your sweet spot.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Journal Summary: July 1 - July 7
July 1 - This was a long one! R had asked me to start thinking about what I meant when I said I wanted to give up control. When I first read what he wrote, it scared the shit out of me.
Then I took the time to actually think about it. Usually when I do that, when I have time, I calm down and realize that everything will be ok. I am mostly ok now.
I have not fully thought out the questions yet, but, I did want to write some thoughts on it.
I have come to the realization that I need to trust him more. I dislike how little trust I give him when it comes to putting my wellbeing into his hands. He will always have my best interest at heart. I know that it will always be for me to grow, or learn, or just to be.
I know that there are two areas that I will not give up control
I will continue to think about this, but I just wanted to get some of this out there.
July 2 - I felt an emotion that had been dormant in me for a long time. Jealousy. Not of R talking with others.
I am jealous of others experiences. I look at pictures and read stories and I hate it. I want more but I am scared.
I hate that R can give so much to others but doesn't with me.
I feel like I don't fit in. I am scared to go to the Munch on the 12th.
I feel lost and lonely.
July 3 - I got to see Momma J and Baby J today, as Daddy J was going in to get snipped. No more babies for them!
So I didn't get much work done in the morning. I worked my ass off in the PM. R left work early and I snuck out a bit early to go home with him. We ended up going to get Chinese for supper (YUM!).
We went to be at lik 730/800!
July 4 - We vegged this morning.
I had a freak out/breakdown. I am fat. I am having issues with clothing.
R was good and helped me feel better (eventually). I need to stop putting myself down. I am as pretty as I make myself.
We also went to the Ren Faire. It was BAD. It was so small. I need to find a different one to attend.
July 5 - A very good day. We got some play in. My ass was nice and sore (well, at the time....it didn't last very long). It was very good and I really enjoyed it.
I felt really productive as well. I got a fair bit done around the place and well, when I say a fair bit, basically I got off my ass and did something! lol
I just feel better today. I felted wanted and needed. I was able to serve R, even if it was just intercourse. I felt sexier (see: feeling wanted). I am sure that the orgasm helped.
It sucked that R had to go into work, as we could have had more fun!
July 6 - Busy day. I got a fair bit done, even though I am not going to get everything I wanted to get done over the summer done. R had a crappy stressful day at work. I didn't realize how much it was bothering him.
I decided to surprise him with a massage when he got home. It wasn't very long, but I think he enjoyed it. After, we got it on! lol But he does owe me ;)
I made yummy grilled cheese sandwiches for supper!
July 7 - And another busy day. I have discovered that I am not focused in the morning. I am much more productive in the afternoon. R and I have decided that we liked having sex everyday while we were on vacation.
... And then when we got home we were too tired! ROFL
Finally...I really miss my family. I miss seeing dad. I'm sick of always having to invite myself over. But I guess that is the only way we will see them, as they don't seem to be inviting us.
1. I would like you to tell me what control means to you?
2. You have indicated that you have given me full control do you wish to control when this control is used?
3. I need to know your hard control limits what to you is meddling too much or aspects that you do not wish me to control in your life?
The questions that I have put above may seem short, but they are going to be challenging questions to answer. I need the answer to these questions in order to assist us in moving forward. For things you are unsure of take the best stab you can at it I want to see honest effort on it.
To me total control can mean just that I may not control how you think but think on this for others it can and does often include things such as rest room break, when one can watch T.V, Use the computer and so on.
This is why I would like an idea of your expectations so that we are both happy with the results. I can and will take as much control as you give me. I have no issues dictating what you eat and when you do things or stepping back and let you run most things and take the bits that you wish me to control. We just need to establish what is what.
Then I took the time to actually think about it. Usually when I do that, when I have time, I calm down and realize that everything will be ok. I am mostly ok now.
I have not fully thought out the questions yet, but, I did want to write some thoughts on it.
I have come to the realization that I need to trust him more. I dislike how little trust I give him when it comes to putting my wellbeing into his hands. He will always have my best interest at heart. I know that it will always be for me to grow, or learn, or just to be.
I know that there are two areas that I will not give up control
- Work - It just isn't possible and I know (I hope lol) that he knows that
- School - I have no problem with him helping me decide how many courses to take, to talk out expectancies, BUT he is not to tell me when or how to do my homework. I need my concentration for that.
I will continue to think about this, but I just wanted to get some of this out there.
July 2 - I felt an emotion that had been dormant in me for a long time. Jealousy. Not of R talking with others.
I am jealous of others experiences. I look at pictures and read stories and I hate it. I want more but I am scared.
I hate that R can give so much to others but doesn't with me.
I feel like I don't fit in. I am scared to go to the Munch on the 12th.
I feel lost and lonely.
July 3 - I got to see Momma J and Baby J today, as Daddy J was going in to get snipped. No more babies for them!
So I didn't get much work done in the morning. I worked my ass off in the PM. R left work early and I snuck out a bit early to go home with him. We ended up going to get Chinese for supper (YUM!).
We went to be at lik 730/800!
July 4 - We vegged this morning.
I had a freak out/breakdown. I am fat. I am having issues with clothing.
R was good and helped me feel better (eventually). I need to stop putting myself down. I am as pretty as I make myself.
We also went to the Ren Faire. It was BAD. It was so small. I need to find a different one to attend.
July 5 - A very good day. We got some play in. My ass was nice and sore (well, at the time....it didn't last very long). It was very good and I really enjoyed it.
I felt really productive as well. I got a fair bit done around the place and well, when I say a fair bit, basically I got off my ass and did something! lol
I just feel better today. I felted wanted and needed. I was able to serve R, even if it was just intercourse. I felt sexier (see: feeling wanted). I am sure that the orgasm helped.
It sucked that R had to go into work, as we could have had more fun!
July 6 - Busy day. I got a fair bit done, even though I am not going to get everything I wanted to get done over the summer done. R had a crappy stressful day at work. I didn't realize how much it was bothering him.
I decided to surprise him with a massage when he got home. It wasn't very long, but I think he enjoyed it. After, we got it on! lol But he does owe me ;)
I made yummy grilled cheese sandwiches for supper!
July 7 - And another busy day. I have discovered that I am not focused in the morning. I am much more productive in the afternoon. R and I have decided that we liked having sex everyday while we were on vacation.
... And then when we got home we were too tired! ROFL
Finally...I really miss my family. I miss seeing dad. I'm sick of always having to invite myself over. But I guess that is the only way we will see them, as they don't seem to be inviting us.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Journal Summary: June 23 - June 30
Ok. So R wants me to start doing a weekly summary of my journal.
Right now there isn't much to put on here. We haven't been doing anything.
Here we go:
June 23 - I talked about starting to sew again, how I need to find a pattern for a skirt, maybe some jeans/pants. I also mentioned that a few friends came through on Facebook when I was down. They maid me feel a bit better about my real friends.
June 24 - We saw Transformers 2. It was good. I made a list of things to do over the weekend. I had an unsuccessful orgasm.
June 25 - A reminder to myself that I want to take my vacation during Grad week, not before, not after. I put together a calendar for the two of us, so we can start planning and making schedules.
June 26 - Rich took me this morning. He made a comment about me not getting off. I said it wasn't a big deal. I got new jeans.
June 27 - We worked on our photography challenge. It was fun. We walked around U of T. Later, we went to R's work and sat on the roof. We took pictures of fireworks. I think we need to work on them a bit. lol
June 28 - Laundry, dishes, loaded pictures for the photography challenge. I owe R some position demonstrations. I got to do some personal fiction reading today, which was nice.
June 29 - My period started. It looks like I have a 27 day cycle. I need to remember that! I got a reply from a chickie who helps organize the munch that we are looking at attending. It wasn't totally what I was expecting, but whatever. I am concerned with the direction our life is going. I don't know if this is right. If this is what I want. I am confused.
June 30 - Didn't do much. I left work early, I wasn't feeling well. I am still questioning this who D/s thing. I am lazy and I am having issues giving up my comforts, my needs, in order to take care of the research that R wants me to do. I want to do my reading. I want to do my TV shoes. I don't know if it is just because I am emotional right now or if I am making the wrong decision
Right now there isn't much to put on here. We haven't been doing anything.
Here we go:
June 23 - I talked about starting to sew again, how I need to find a pattern for a skirt, maybe some jeans/pants. I also mentioned that a few friends came through on Facebook when I was down. They maid me feel a bit better about my real friends.
June 24 - We saw Transformers 2. It was good. I made a list of things to do over the weekend. I had an unsuccessful orgasm.
June 25 - A reminder to myself that I want to take my vacation during Grad week, not before, not after. I put together a calendar for the two of us, so we can start planning and making schedules.
June 26 - Rich took me this morning. He made a comment about me not getting off. I said it wasn't a big deal. I got new jeans.
June 27 - We worked on our photography challenge. It was fun. We walked around U of T. Later, we went to R's work and sat on the roof. We took pictures of fireworks. I think we need to work on them a bit. lol
June 28 - Laundry, dishes, loaded pictures for the photography challenge. I owe R some position demonstrations. I got to do some personal fiction reading today, which was nice.
June 29 - My period started. It looks like I have a 27 day cycle. I need to remember that! I got a reply from a chickie who helps organize the munch that we are looking at attending. It wasn't totally what I was expecting, but whatever. I am concerned with the direction our life is going. I don't know if this is right. If this is what I want. I am confused.
June 30 - Didn't do much. I left work early, I wasn't feeling well. I am still questioning this who D/s thing. I am lazy and I am having issues giving up my comforts, my needs, in order to take care of the research that R wants me to do. I want to do my reading. I want to do my TV shoes. I don't know if it is just because I am emotional right now or if I am making the wrong decision
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